Night, from now on, white.

Hi, hello,#

Today is August 4, 2022, Thursday, and it is also the 10th day since arriving in Huizhou. It rained in the afternoon, and the weather in Huizhou at night is finally not as hot as the previous few days. I just went out for dinner and saw the flower vendors on the roadside, which reminded me that today is Valentine's Day. However, I don't know if it's because the company is far from the city center or for some other reason, there aren't many couples on the road, only a few scattered pairs can be seen.

Long-awaited work status#

After dinner, I took a walk and returned to the hotel. I suddenly realized that I haven't written anything for a long time, so I decided to open my computer and type a few words. It's the tenth day of work, and I still feel a sense of curiosity and freshness. I wake up on time every day, take a taxi to work, have meals on time, take a shower after work, and it seems like I have turned my work days into a routine in just a few days. According to the company's arrangement, I will be going to another place in two days, and I feel like it will be another wonderful experience.

(A photo taken before the rain the day before yesterday, quite artistic)

The Result#

During the days when I was still at home and about to come to Huizhou, I lost contact with the girl I was with in high school. It's not a breakup, in fact, we had already separated a long time ago. In these four years, we were only together for a week during our senior year, and then we "mutually" maintained a state of not being online, based on the differences and irreconcilability in my perception and the reality. It's hard to describe what kind of emotion it is. I don't think I am someone with rich emotional experiences, but without exception, in relationships, either I find myself boring or I find the other person boring, so I decided to end it.

Speaking of this, I have to mention the two years after breaking up with my first love. I probably understand that it was simply because many things had affected me to the point where I couldn't digest and solve them on my own, which caused me to stay in the same place for so long. However, even though I know the truth, I still can't break free from that circle. Until now, I have become the opposite of my past self. When I encounter problems in life, I unconsciously think of that painful experience, attributing the causes of all problems to my past self.

Personality Defects#

It took me about two years to get out of this situation. Along the way, I met some good friends who played a crucial role in helping me get out of that state. I am a strange person. When I fall into the water, I hope someone can save me instead of regretting that I should have learned to swim earlier, and then still hope to be saved when I fall into the water again. Occasionally, I also doubt whether I am still trapped in the past, but when I look around, it seems that I have truly let go of the past, and the only thing that lingers is my concern about my personality defects.

I don't know how many times I have been dissatisfied with myself. I am happy that I can empathize and understand when I see the good and bad things around me. But I am also sad that I am too sensitive in everything, and this sensitivity in human nature causes too much pain for people like me, making it impossible to escape. At least until now, I haven't found a way to overcome this sensitivity. It often confuses me, and I also deeply understand that everyone has flaws. Perhaps this is the personality defect that I cannot escape. I console myself in this way and try to practice it so that I can accept and treat myself normally.

But the fact is, I cannot fight against my own character flaws. Today is Valentine's Day, and it happens to be a topic that fits today. After experiencing two painful years in the past, I am increasingly afraid of starting a new relationship. Although I also look forward to the feeling of being saved and needed by someone, when I see something beautiful, what I see more is that someone like me will only bring pain to others and drag them down with my bad emotions. I am afraid of ending, so I am also afraid of starting. Therefore, even if there is a chance, I will sneak away and tell myself that this bad situation is also my fault, my problem, and then I will pin my hopes on the next time, hoping that I can be a little braver and more accepting of myself.

Night, from now on white#

So, fortunately, on the internet, where everyone is unfamiliar with each other, I dare to write these words, because during the day, I have to pretend to be aloof and indifferent, the self who can be indifferent to everything and order food without any preferences. However, only I know that I also have dishes that I like.

Good night

(I have always been very fond of taking photos of airplanes, and I take a lot of photos every time I fly)



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